Build Self-Confidence
Did anyone teach you how to build self-confidence when you were young? Did they help you build skills and trust in your own abilities? Or did someone tell you what to worry about or only point out what you did wrong? As a result, do you embody self-confidence? Or, do fear and anxiety drain your energy and cast shadows on your daily activities?
If you’ve lost your self-confidence, here’s a simple way to get it back.
What Not To Do
We begin to learn our language of self-confidence and its cousin, fear, when we’re very young. I observed a profound example of this during an outing to my local botanic garden.
My sister and I went to the Chicago Botanic Garden to photograph spring flowers and wildlife. We parked ourselves on a hill among the poppy gardens and lost ourselves in the blooms—until a four-year old girl joined us.
As this four-year old climbed to the top of the hill, her Nana called out, “Be careful! Don’t fall down!” As you can imagine, the little girl ran down the hill shouting, “Look, Nana, I not fall down!”
This seems relatively normal, right? She’s reassuring her Nana that she can run without falling. But if you could have seen her, she was so focused on “not falling” that her whole body looked cautious and fearful. She didn’t fall, but she looked like she was preparing to tumble at any moment.
She climbed the hill repeatedly, as children do when they’re learning something, and repeated over and over again, “Look, Nana, I not fall down!”
Knowing this type of negative self-talk rubs against my philosophy, my sister walked over and said, “Oh my gosh, listen to her! All she’s talking about is falling down. Don’t you want to say something?”
I don’t like to get involved in other people’s business, so I wondered if there was a way to do something tactfully. The girl’s Nana, her grandmother, was just trying to keep the girl safe by telling her to be careful and not fall down. The child simply picked up on her language and used it to reassure her. To them, all was well in their world.
Here’s what I did.
Principle 1: Rephrase Your Self-Talk
I tried 
an experiment. The next time she ran down the hill I said, “Look, you’re standing up!”
She tilted her head at me, surprised by the shift in language, then straightened up considerably.
The next time she ran down, she shouted, “Look, Nana, I’m tall.” Her entire posture had changed. She held her head high and her body straight. She radiated self-confidence.
No matter how many times I rephrase language this way for myself and my clients, I am always delighted by the radical, positive shift it makes in body language and emotions.
Next I used Principle 2.
Principle 2: Use Specific, Positive Feedback
When she climbed back to the top of the hill, I smiled and said, “Yes! You’re tall and strong.”
According to research on learning, it’s specific, positive feedback that helps a person—child or adult—understand what it is they’ve done well, take pride in it, and relax into that behavior with confidence. [1]
So each time the little girl ran up and down the hill, I offered her specific, positive feedback to build confidence on her growing skills.
And each time she ran down the hill, she tried a new phrase of her own beyond what I offered:
“Look, Nana, I’m tall and strong.”
“Look Nana, I’m standing up tall.”
“Look Nana, my legs are strong.”
She beamed with the pride of her accomplishment and stood taller and stronger each time she ran down the hill shouting her positive statement. She played with words to describe the strength she felt in her body. She learned fast and fully embodied self-confidence and joy.
Sadly, it didn’t last because Principles 3 and 4 were not in use.
Principle 3: Get The Right Support
Her Nana barely paid attention when the child shouted “Look, Nana, I not fall down.” And she didn’t pay attention when she “stood tall and strong.”
Even though the little girl sparkled with glee and gained in confidence both physically and verbally; even though my sister and I smiled and nodded enthusiastically, she wanted her Nana’s attention.
So she reverted back to the language of her Nana —because what better way to get someone’s attention than to speak their language? Unfortunately, she wasn’t speaking the language of support.
Principle 4: Ditch Old Language Patterns
When we’re close to someone, especially a family member who takes care of us, we tend to be loyal to their rules. For a child, family loyalty is a biological imperative because the family is where they seek safety.[2] We follow family rules, consciously and unconsciously, to fit in and stay safe. Becoming aware of those patterns and working consciously to change them is key.
I wonder if you’re still thinking her Nana was right to caution her not to fall. She could fall and hurt herself. It’s true.
But a child is going to run down a hill no matter what. It’s just too much fun. So yes. We have to caution the child to be careful. But we’re better off teaching the child what it looks like and feels like to run successfully down the hill, as opposed to how not to run down the hill.
How To Apply The Four Principles
1) Choose one situation that you approach with worry and fear. Observe your self-talk and notice what it does to you physically and emotionally.
2) Then reverse your self-talk into something more positive. Play and experiment just like the four-year old girl. As you do this, notice how telling yourself what you can do builds your confidence, straightens your posture, and fills you with strength and energy.
3) Notice the quality of feedback you get from others. Do they offer positive support or do they tear down your self-confidence? Absorb positive support from others and delete the rest. Cultivate relationships with people who offer you positive support.
4) The next time you’re in this situation, observe your self-talk and gently re-adjust it if needed. Notice how building on your strengths generates a sense of well-being and joy of accomplishment. Coach yourself through the situation to victory, then take the time to be proud of yourself.
Putting it All Together
No matter what your age, if you were taught the language of fear, there’s still time to notice and rephrase your self-talk in a positive way. Yes, it’s easy to notice what might go wrong and move through an experience saddled with fear. But this is a draining way to go through life. Being cautious where caution is needed is okay, but it’s critical to focus your language on strengths, which allows you to build skills and create a feeling of self-confidence. Those skills and self-confidence will go a long way toward fueling your happy success.
Please share your experience of self-confidence in the comments below. Let us know how you phrase your self-talk to guide yourself through challenging situations.
Self-Confidence
self-con·fi·dence
Trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment
from Latin confidentia, from confidere ‘have full trust’
If you’d like assistance developing your language of self-confidence, contact me to set up your complimentary consultation.
