God could not be everywhere, so therefore he made mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
Conversation with my mother after reading this Mother’s Day article:
Me: Mom, do you think this article praises you too much?
Mom: Definitely.
Me: Should I add details about your less praiseworthy qualities?
Mom: Definitely not. This is a Mother’s Day article. Write about the other stuff another time.
Me: Okay. That sounds right.
Mom: But honestly, this is what mother’s do.
Me: Not everyone’s mom. I know people who don’t like their mom.
Mom: Yes, that’s true.
Me: I hope they have another best friend.
Mom: Me, too.
A few years ago, after a minor medical incident, my mom asked me to write her obituary.
It was hard enough to talk about scary health scenarios on her lawyer’s medical power-of-attorney questionnaire. It was another thing to think about the day she’d be gone. You see the day she dies I will be losing my best friend.
When I was growing up, especially during my teen years, I didn’t think of my mom as a friend. She took care of me, made sure I was clean, well-fed, and well-dressed. She introduced me to the world of books, civil rights, Scrabble, and Mother Nature. Best of all, she shared her inspiring curiosity about the world. But my peers were my friends.
In addition to food, shelter, and joie de vivre, she provided a badly needed counterpoint to my short-fused dad. My dad could be fun, but he was high-strung and emotionally unpredictable. My mom was happy, full of wonder, and desired harmony. I told her she was the best mom in the world. “I’m your only mom,” she replied. I didn’t know how lucky I was.
Learning How to Forgive
Her desire for harmony and goodwill makes her the most forgiving person I know. In my teen years, I saw this as a weakness. I thought she let people get away with bad behavior, especially my dad, which made me angrier. I wanted her to get mad, confront him, make him change. But that wasn’t her way. As I grew and matured, I understood it wasn’t her responsibility to change him.
Her way of forgiving taught me that understanding the source of people’s mistakes, even the kind of mistakes that lead to ending relationships—as she did with my dad—is compassionate and creates peace. When I would complain about something hurtful my dad had done, she told me stories about how badly his parents had treated him. I wished he could get over it and do better.
I later learned, in the study of family constellations, that as a parent he couldn’t give what he hadn’t received. He didn’t know how to forgive his own parents and change that behavior in himself. At first, knowing his story didn’t make me feel forgiving because he’d turned around and done the same thing to me. But I realized that choosing forgiveness was the only way to break the pattern, avoid following in his footsteps, and do better myself. That’s when I realized my mom’s ability to forgive was a strength.
Civil Rights & Social Causes
My mom’s desire for harmony spread to social causes. At a time in history when women attended college to find a husband and get their “Mrs. Degree,” she volunteered with the League of Women Voters. When I was 8 years old, she took my sisters and me to a rally in Chicago to hear Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. speak. We were among a handful of white people—and welcomed.
Later in life, I told my classroom of all African-American children that I’d been to a Martin Luther King rally when I was about their age. One child looked at me with shock, “Are you black?” she asked. I’m obviously white, but I was the first white person in her world who’d expressed the importance of civil rights for her. At that moment, I realized what a gift my mother had given to me as a child.
After my parents divorced, my mom got a full-time teaching job. As a teacher, she had a larger than life reputation. In my teen years, it felt like a shadow—giving so much to other people’s children made me jealous. I wished I could be in her classroom! She burned her phonics books and hatched ducks and chicks. One of those ducks became our family pet. They collected a million bottle caps to see what a million looks like. (A lot!) School was filled with the inspired learning of real life, not workbook pages.
Bonding in Nature
Even though my mom darts like a hummingbird from one activity to another, she knows how to relax. She’s a voracious reader, can fall asleep anywhere, and loves nature. When she studied birding in the 80’s, she took me on a bird walk in the forest preserve. I was too noisy so she turned and said, “Shhh, you have to be really quiet if you want to see the birds.”
We became so still we merged into the silence of the forest. Just then, a nuthatch flew onto a tree trunk a few feet away. Soon birds sang and pecked all around us. She whispered the names of birds while I stood there in awe.
When I decided to become a teacher, she begged me not to take up the hard work of teaching. As children (and adult children) often do, I ignored her. I wanted a job where I would keep learning like she did—but add my own spin as a writing teacher.
For years I called to talk with her about my day. Even after I left the classroom to coach and work at the university, I called because I trusted her instincts.
Even Friends Hit Potholes
Twenty-three years into my career our evolving friendship hit a bump. I had to take early retirement for health reasons and began coaching and writing books. My mom didn’t want me to leave my tenured position and pleaded with me to hang on as long as possible. I thought she didn’t care about my challenges and felt unsupported. It seemed she was pulling away when I needed her most.
As I picked up the pieces of my life and put them together in new ways, she became my greatest cheerleader. My nature photos hang framed on her walls. She was the first buyer of my first book. When I wrote my first children’s book, she clapped her hands with excitement and participated in its evolution. Believe me, she also tells me what she doesn’t like. But what I had interpreted as unsupportive had simply been her concern for my well-being at starting over later in life.
Stronger than Ever
Now it’s Mother’s Day, 2018. Mom is alive and well; I’ve settled into my new work. We go to the movies together, eat at our favorite restaurants, catch up on the phone every day, visit often, and share favorite binge shows like Blacklist and The Handmaid’s Tale.
She’s moving out of my childhood house into a condo soon, which has brought up a lot of emotion. Sometimes we snap at each other as we work out the details of supporting one another. But one thing we know for sure, amidst every life change, we will always be there for each other, talk things out, and settle back into harmony.
When we’re growing up, most of us want to get away from our parents. I stayed nearby because I like her. As I’ve aged it’s dawned on me that my mother has given me a kind of unconditional love, support, and protection that I may never receive from another soul. If that’s not a true friend, I don’t know what is.
A Mother’s Day Wish for You
If you don’t have a mom who’s been a friend to you, my mom and I wish for you this Mother’s Day to have a friend who’s offered you unconditional love and support and vice versa. We heal ourselves with golden words, but we heal each other with the golden words and actions we share.
mother 
moth•er
1. A woman in relation to her children
2. To bring up with care and affection
